New Maui County Growth Plan

Apr 1, 201961 comments

Maui is one of the most popular vacation destinations in the country, and big corporations are quickly realizing the advantage of opening locations in the rapidly growing Aloha State. As part of Maui County’s new Growth Plan, dramatic reconstruction of some of Maui’s most popular towns has been approved, including Lahaina, Wailuku and Hana.

 

West Maui

 

Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark

 

Demolition begins next week on Lahaina Town’s newest project, the Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark, a five star resort resembling the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film. According to investors, the hotel will include a Waterworld-themed luau, set on a floating stage on the surface of the 500,000 gallon wave pool. Located directly off of West Maui’s famous Front Street, the resort is expected to be one of the highest priced destination resorts in the country. Custom trimarans will be designed to transport guests from shore to the offshore resort and water park, and priority access will be given to anyone who can sufficiently prove they are friends with Kevin Costner.

Waterworld Lahaina

 

Walmerica

 

Phase 2 for Lahaina also includes another massive undertaking, a controversial BIG BOX-funded Mall of America, or ‘Walmerica’. All existing Front Street shops, galleries, museums and restaurants will close for construction beginning July 1st in preparation for the 150-store, 12 story oceanfront shopping utopia that will replace the historic Pioneer Inn and 6 acres of surrounding property. While much opposition has come from nearby residents, lead project investor James Van Der Beek (no relation to the actor), replied that “it was only a matter of time before Lahaina became the next Las Vegas, and if there’s one thing Maui needs, it’s a decent Lady Foot Locker with a view.”

Walmerica Rendering

 

Central Maui

 

Iao Highway

 

With the addition of the Walmerica, a special highway will be built to increase traffic flow within the already congested area of downtown Lahaina. The new highway will begin at the existing site of the historic Iao Needle and continue through the West Maui Mountains until reaching Walmerica’s rooftop parking lot, which includes a mandatory $17.50 valet parking fee and proof of purchase within the hour.

While members of Maui County have done their best to save Iao Needle, it appears that the top half will be cut down to make room for the highway’s onramp and corresponding Walmerica billboard. Highway architect Sarah Michelle Gellar (no relation to the actress), says that “no matter what people may think, this will be the most beautiful highway in all of America, if not the world. Why look at history when you can drive straight across it!”

Iao Valley Highway

 

East Maui

 

Jurassic Theme Park

 

While most Growth Plan projects are scheduled to begin later this year, East Maui was the first to jump aboard plans for major reconstruction, already tearing down multiple miles of the Road to Hana in the area between Wai’anapanapa State Park and O’heo Gulch (aka Seven Sacred Pools) in order to make room for Maui’s new Jurassic Theme Park, slated to open for business in early 2021.

Featuring a ride called ‘Clever Girl’ that will allow theme park attendees to ride an animatronic Velociraptor from the former site of O’heo Gulch to Hana Bay, the Jurassic Theme Park will also offer a state-of-the-art Sky Tram, ‘Hold Onto Your Butts’, offering exciting panoramic views of the park’s Tyrannosaurus Tex Mex Food Court and peekaboo views of several former historical sites.  The tram ends at what is being heralded from early VIP rehearsal viewers as the most unique if not the best Maui Luau, with hula dancing Jeff Goldblum impersonators and fire dancing velociraptors. While all employees will be required to wear a dinosaur costume and speak only in quotes from the hit movie, the theme park will create approximately 17 new part-time jobs for the island.

jurassic park hana

For those still interested in experiencing the scenic Road to Hana, we suggest a hearty swim from Paia Town (be aware of heavy fines associated with coming ashore near construction sites) or a 15 minute flight on Walmerica Air (only $300 with associated Walmerica investment presentations).

 

Mahalo for reading! For more information or specific questions regarding Maui County’s Growth Plan, please contact Sean Puffy Combs (no relation to the rapper/producer/actor/entrepreneur).

OH, and in case you’re still in the dark:

APRIL FOOLS!

61 Comments

  1. Michael Asher

    I love Maui and my heart has always been in Lahaina and Western Maui. Reading this had me going until the end of the article. I’m sure change is needed but not what is in this article. Lahaina and Maui is so awesomely beautiful with so much history.

    Reply
  2. Nancy Kent

    Oh my god we were just there in February and fell in love. Thought how wonderful that they try to keep the land unchanged in places. Never got to finish Hana road trip. Then read this?! My heart sank. We were coming back in 5 years and all things we wanted to see will be gone? Then my husband says you sure it’s not a joke. Made me read further then said oh that was probably the meanest joke ever played. But so glad it is a joke. Well done.

    Reply
  3. Lisa Zachary

    Thank God this isn’t true! Maui is beautiful the way it is and one of the reasons I visit so often.

    Reply
  4. Fred Taylor

    I thought I’m glad I’m old I won’t have to see this. Funny, Walmerica was great.

    Reply
  5. Charles Adams

    Not funny! I was getting ready to quit my job move there and begin protesting like they did to stop the Super Ferry.

    Reply
  6. Annet Hodges

    My heart sank and I was considering canceling our upcoming trip to Maui! Major anxiety!!

    Reply
  7. Nancy Baronas

    Thankfully this is APRIL FOOL!!! To the people of Hawaii, protect your heritage, do not let big money destroy what you have. Stop selling your property to the rich and selfish… fight to keep your country yours!! You have so much more than money…

    Reply
  8. Charlene

    Ya got me! Although I was a little skeptical due to how much I know the Maui Island loves their pure beauty and natural sea, land and air space! Love you Maui, be there soon, just as you beautiful are!!

    Reply
  9. M. Clark

    I was soooooo sad to read this but….you got me!!

    Reply
    • Chris

      Please don’t do this to the islands

      Reply
  10. Linda Latham

    You had me going until you mentioned The Road to Hana that my husband and I traveled last year and saw no construction. We will be visiting again this year and are happy Maui will remain the beautiful Island that it is✈️

    Reply
  11. John A. Frazier

    Hi Kelsey,
    You totally had me and I was pretty happy and sad all at the same time. Was there 5 years ago when we were Just Maui’d I told you we would be back in 5 years and we are coming this year. Surprised your still there I thought you were leaving. Glad you stayed and now you can help us when we get back there. Glad this was an April fools joke. Funny thing is I get promoted on April Fools day this year to LT. of my fire department. Hope that’s not an April fools joke as well. Lol. See you soon 🙂 Leave Maui just the way it is.

    Reply
  12. Rodney

    had my bags packed, have been looking for an excuse to move there with my family as I am a construction worker / heavy equipment operator, this would have made it possible…darn it

    Reply
  13. J. Lawrence

    It was all bad except for the highway to Lahaina. That would be awesome! Although they could probably do it without cutting off the top of Iao Needle I’m guessing 🙂

    Reply
  14. Susan

    OMG! I just kept saying no, no, no. This will ruin Maui! And then I went down to see Wheaties others were saying when I realized it was a joke, Thank Goodness!!!!! We love Maui just like it is as I’m sure the locals do too, I truly hope nothing similar to this ever happens there.

    Reply
  15. bryana

    keep hawaii how it is ! it’s an island ! not the mainland .. born & raised on Maui so keep it how it is

    Reply
  16. Chantal

    I got so angry and the entire time my mind was saying, “nah this is a joke” but I still believed it lmao

    Reply
  17. mari

    Thank God it’s a joke. I pray this never happens. Leave Maui just the way it is!

    Reply
  18. Dean

    Cute & creative!

    Reply
  19. George Kealakai

    Nice joke! I bet you never know Maui is kapu.. That’s OK! Later you learn why Maui no ka oi… Aloha!

    Reply
  20. Helena

    Got me ! I was crying. My husband said I’m sure it’s an April Fools day joke.

    Reply
  21. Mike Griffith

    Naw, I knew it was an April Fools joke when I saw the first picture! Please tell me that these things could NEVER happen to the most beautiful island in the world!

    Reply
  22. Mavis Oliveira-Medeiros

    I believe Hana would go to war before something like this happens. I questioned the hotel in the water and then the mall where Pioneer is, but have to a admit my heart was a thumping. Beware Maui this could happen if you keep closing your eyes.

    Reply
    • Greg Wilson

      Shoot! My blood was boiling until I saw the April’s fool. Your there would be a war!

      Reply
  23. Wayne Jenkins

    Totally excellent Aprils Fool joke, split second uh oh and then, “no way would my favourite island in the world do this to me”

    Reply
  24. Gregg Herbert

    Okay cutting off the top of the Iao Needle shocked me then…I got it 🙂

    Reply
  25. onlyonemaui

    OH, SOUNDS LIKE OUR INFAMOUS SENATOR FROM MAUI…ROZ BAKER HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS…IF IT WERE FOR REAL…??

    Reply
  26. Jim Logan

    I was actually getting sick to my stomach and VERY ANGRY. That wasn’t very nice.

    Reply
    • Maui Hawaii

      Good! This is a joke, but this kind of thing is happening in different ways. We need to be really careful of how we grow on Maui, and the community needs to be involved in making sure everything is well thought out before big money builds over important, sensitive areas.

      Reply
  27. Danny Malone

    I bought it right up to the end and it sscared the hell out of me.

    Reply
  28. pualani

    Lol I almost had a bitch fit

    Reply
  29. erikblair

    Some of these are great ideas 🙂

    Reply
    • Maui Hawaii

      Says the Tiny House guy. #TinyWalMerica? #TinyBoxStores?

      Reply
  30. Suzanne

    As soon as I got to “Walmerica” I knew is was BS

    Reply
    • mary gillman

      That’s when I knew, too!

      Reply
  31. No Fool here

    Nice Kevin Costner impersonation.

    Reply
    • Kelsey Love

      You should see our Field of Dreams reenactment… 😉

      Reply
  32. Fred

    Good One! I was about to sell my timeshare!

    Reply
  33. Vivian

    Yep, reading this made me sick to my stomach until the end. You got us this time. I could not believe that Maui would let such a thing happen to that beautiful Island.

    Reply
  34. mikeinthevine

    I was beginning to have a coronary when about halfway down the page I realized what day it was. You got me.

    Reply
  35. Jennifer

    OMG!!!! You got me good!! I was half way to Lahaina!!!!!

    Reply
  36. Jackie

    Not nice…you got me at first, but then when I read about taking the top off of the Iao Needle, I knew that was crazy. April Fools!! Love Maui.

    Reply
  37. J Y Kinney

    Wow. That almost caused a heart attack. Glad it’s just April Fool. Love Maui just the way it is.

    Reply
  38. barb

    I agree with Tammy. Very sad.

    Reply
  39. stacey Wright

    This makes me sad… I loved Maui because it wasn’t commercialized…and now this looks like it’ll ruin that… :(((

    Reply
  40. michael asher

    You got me. I was getting ready to cancel my trip. I love Lahaina just the way it is.

    Reply
  41. Barbara

    Wow…am I ever happy that this is not happening…..love Maui the way it is♥♥

    Reply
  42. Thomas Reeves

    I was just so mad about to blow my top, and said out loud NO! Then I remembered what day it was and looked ahead in this article, I must say you got me! My great great great, grandfather fought the Kings army at Iao Valley, my mother was born in Hana, and so was I. Our ohana is few in number yet willing to fight again at Iao! Just saying……………….Akua on Ohana side.

    Reply
  43. Fran Poe Henderson

    Oh, my heart was breaking for my beautiful Maui. You got me and mainly because my son, a resident, was just talking to me about changes that are happening (i.e. Target)

    Reply
  44. Vikky Granbery Fugitt

    I knew it when they said they were going to cut off the top Iao Needle… whew!

    Reply
    • Maui Hawaii

      Haha! That’s the best (read horrible) visual

      Reply
  45. Diane

    Thank goodness it isn’t real. I go for the beautiful scenery and would hate to see it destroyed.

    Reply
  46. Anthony Ramirez

    omg you got me. i was pissed.

    Reply
  47. mamalaomaui

    Very creative, and thank goodness none of it is true! Nice job you guys 🙂

    Reply
  48. tammy sholly

    Got me. I was really sad to hear about all of the crazy construction. It would ruin Maui ‘s beauty

    Reply
    • Barry

      Not funny ……Aloha …..fool

      Reply
    • Andy

      I agree , ist horrible

      Reply
      • Lala Milani

        Maui needs a change. ?.not that drastically!!!!

        Reply
        • Maui Hawaii

          AGREED!

          Reply

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