Maui is one of the most popular vacation destinations in the country, and big corporations are quickly realizing the advantage of opening locations in the rapidly growing Aloha State. As part of Maui County’s new Growth Plan, dramatic reconstruction of some of Maui’s most popular towns has been approved, including Lahaina, Wailuku and Hana.
West Maui
Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark
Demolition begins next week on Lahaina Town’s newest project, the Aloha Waterworld Resort & Waterpark, a five star resort resembling the 1995 post-apocalyptic action film. According to investors, the hotel will include a Waterworld-themed luau, set on a floating stage on the surface of the 500,000 gallon wave pool. Located directly off of West Maui’s famous Front Street, the resort is expected to be one of the highest priced destination resorts in the country. Custom trimarans will be designed to transport guests from shore to the offshore resort and water park, and priority access will be given to anyone who can sufficiently prove they are friends with Kevin Costner.
Walmerica
Phase 2 for Lahaina also includes another massive undertaking, a controversial BIG BOX-funded Mall of America, or ‘Walmerica’. All existing Front Street shops, galleries, museums and restaurants will close for construction beginning July 1st in preparation for the 150-store, 12 story oceanfront shopping utopia that will replace the historic Pioneer Inn and 6 acres of surrounding property. While much opposition has come from nearby residents, lead project investor James Van Der Beek (no relation to the actor), replied that “it was only a matter of time before Lahaina became the next Las Vegas, and if there’s one thing Maui needs, it’s a decent Lady Foot Locker with a view.”
Central Maui
Iao Highway
With the addition of the Walmerica, a special highway will be built to increase traffic flow within the already congested area of downtown Lahaina. The new highway will begin at the existing site of the historic Iao Needle and continue through the West Maui Mountains until reaching Walmerica’s rooftop parking lot, which includes a mandatory $17.50 valet parking fee and proof of purchase within the hour.
While members of Maui County have done their best to save Iao Needle, it appears that the top half will be cut down to make room for the highway’s onramp and corresponding Walmerica billboard. Highway architect Sarah Michelle Gellar (no relation to the actress), says that “no matter what people may think, this will be the most beautiful highway in all of America, if not the world. Why look at history when you can drive straight across it!”
East Maui
Jurassic Theme Park
While most Growth Plan projects are scheduled to begin later this year, East Maui was the first to jump aboard plans for major reconstruction, already tearing down multiple miles of the Road to Hana in the area between Wai’anapanapa State Park and O’heo Gulch (aka Seven Sacred Pools) in order to make room for Maui’s new Jurassic Theme Park, slated to open for business in the Fall of 2017.
Featuring a ride called ‘Clever Girl’ that will allow theme park attendees to ride an animatronic Velociraptor from the former site of O’heo Gulch to Hana Bay, the Jurassic Theme Park will also offer a state-of-the-art Sky Tram, ‘Hold Onto Your Butts’, offering exciting panoramic views of the park’s Tyrannosaurus Tex Mex Food Court and peekaboo views of several former historical sites. While all employees will be required to wear a dinosaur costume and speak only in quotes from the hit movie, the theme park will create approximately 17 new part-time jobs for the island.
For those still interested in experiencing the scenic Road to Hana, we suggest a hearty swim from Paia Town (be aware of heavy fines associated with coming ashore near construction sites) or a 15 minute flight on Walmerica Air (only $300 with associated Walmerica investment presentations).
Mahalo for reading! For more information or specific questions regarding Maui County’s Growth Plan, please contact Sean Puffy Combs (no relation to the rapper/producer/actor/entrepreneur).
OH, and in case you’re still in the dark:
Hi Kelsey,
You totally had me and I was pretty happy and sad all at the same time. Was there 5 years ago when we were Just Maui’d I told you we would be back in 5 years and we are coming this year. Surprised your still there I thought you were leaving. Glad you stayed and now you can help us when we get back there. Glad this was an April fools joke. Funny thing is I get promoted on April Fools day this year to LT. of my fire department. Hope that’s not an April fools joke as well. Lol. See you soon 🙂 Leave Maui just the way it is.
Too darn funny! Good job Kelsey and Chris.
had my bags packed, have been looking for an excuse to move there with my family as I am a construction worker / heavy equipment operator, this would have made it possible…darn it
It was all bad except for the highway to Lahaina. That would be awesome! Although they could probably do it without cutting off the top of Iao Needle I’m guessing 🙂
OMG! I just kept saying no, no, no. This will ruin Maui! And then I went down to see Wheaties others were saying when I realized it was a joke, Thank Goodness!!!!! We love Maui just like it is as I’m sure the locals do too, I truly hope nothing similar to this ever happens there.
keep hawaii how it is ! it’s an island ! not the mainland .. born & raised on Maui so keep it how it is
I got so angry and the entire time my mind was saying, “nah this is a joke” but I still believed it lmao
Thank God it’s a joke. I pray this never happens. Leave Maui just the way it is!
Cute & creative!
Nice joke! I bet you never know Maui is kapu.. That’s OK! Later you learn why Maui no ka oi… Aloha!
Got me ! I was crying. My husband said I’m sure it’s an April Fools day joke.
Naw, I knew it was an April Fools joke when I saw the first picture! Please tell me that these things could NEVER happen to the most beautiful island in the world!
I believe Hana would go to war before something like this happens. I questioned the hotel in the water and then the mall where Pioneer is, but have to a admit my heart was a thumping. Beware Maui this could happen if you keep closing your eyes.
Shoot! My blood was boiling until I saw the April’s fool. Your there would be a war!
Totally excellent Aprils Fool joke, split second uh oh and then, “no way would my favourite island in the world do this to me”
Okay cutting off the top of the Iao Needle shocked me then…I got it 🙂
OH, SOUNDS LIKE OUR INFAMOUS SENATOR FROM MAUI…ROZ BAKER HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS…IF IT WERE FOR REAL…??
I was actually getting sick to my stomach and VERY ANGRY. That wasn’t very nice.
Good! This is a joke, but this kind of thing is happening in different ways. We need to be really careful of how we grow on Maui, and the community needs to be involved in making sure everything is well thought out before big money builds over important, sensitive areas.
I bought it right up to the end and it sscared the hell out of me.
Lol I almost had a bitch fit
Some of these are great ideas 🙂
Says the Tiny House guy. #TinyWalMerica? #TinyBoxStores?
As soon as I got to “Walmerica” I knew is was BS
That’s when I knew, too!
Nice Kevin Costner impersonation.
You should see our Field of Dreams reenactment… 😉
Good One! I was about to sell my timeshare!
Yep, reading this made me sick to my stomach until the end. You got us this time. I could not believe that Maui would let such a thing happen to that beautiful Island.
I was beginning to have a coronary when about halfway down the page I realized what day it was. You got me.
OMG!!!! You got me good!! I was half way to Lahaina!!!!!
Not nice…you got me at first, but then when I read about taking the top off of the Iao Needle, I knew that was crazy. April Fools!! Love Maui.
Wow. That almost caused a heart attack. Glad it’s just April Fool. Love Maui just the way it is.
I agree with Tammy. Very sad.
This makes me sad… I loved Maui because it wasn’t commercialized…and now this looks like it’ll ruin that… :(((
You got me. I was getting ready to cancel my trip. I love Lahaina just the way it is.
Wow…am I ever happy that this is not happening…..love Maui the way it is♥♥
I was just so mad about to blow my top, and said out loud NO! Then I remembered what day it was and looked ahead in this article, I must say you got me! My great great great, grandfather fought the Kings army at Iao Valley, my mother was born in Hana, and so was I. Our ohana is few in number yet willing to fight again at Iao! Just saying……………….Akua on Ohana side.
Oh, my heart was breaking for my beautiful Maui. You got me and mainly because my son, a resident, was just talking to me about changes that are happening (i.e. Target)
I knew it when they said they were going to cut off the top Iao Needle… whew!
Haha! That’s the best (read horrible) visual
I hope they don’t do this…
Thank goodness it isn’t real. I go for the beautiful scenery and would hate to see it destroyed.
omg you got me. i was pissed.
Very creative, and thank goodness none of it is true! Nice job you guys 🙂
Got me. I was really sad to hear about all of the crazy construction. It would ruin Maui ‘s beauty
Not funny ……Aloha …..fool
I agree , ist horrible
Maui needs a change. ?.not that drastically!!!!
AGREED!