A Tale of Strange Maui Search Terms


You may or may not know this, but when you type in search terms to Google, which then typically brings you to at least one website, the people on the back end of said website often keep track of what exactly you typed in to get there.

Now, while we don’t know exactly who typed in these search terms (don’t worry, you’re safe), what we do know is that some of them are flipping hilarious and simply too funny to keep all to ourselves.

So without further ado, we present the strangest, most entertaining search terms that brought some of you to MauiInformationGuide.com.

Strange Search Terms: Maui Edition

AND, to make things weirder, we’ve let A.I. share its visual renditions of each search…

“When does the new season of Dance Moms start?”

Not that Dance Moms, and by extension, every television show on Lifetime, isn’t a fantastic, high-quality piece of cinematic programming (ahem), but we’re struggling to find the correlation between Dance Moms and Maui. Maybe Abby Lee Miller’s planning a much-needed vaca to paradise after facing whatever bankruptcy fraud punishment she awaits? We wouldn’t blame her. Though I do resent having to learn more about Dance Moms drama just to write this paragraph.

Dance Moms Season in Maui

“Fun things to do when sick”

We’re not sure about you, but our list of good-time fun whilst battling sickness definitely begins and ends with a full-day tour of the Road to Hana. Rest, relaxation, soup, and hydration are clearly synonymous with 600-curve roads, long hikes through high humidity, and plenty of street food and fruit samples. You’re pretty much guaranteed to feel better in no time! Absolutely no time soon at all.

Fun things to do while sick on Maui

“Hot Water Music caution zip”

Did you know that ‘Hot Water Music’ was a 90’s punk rock band from Gainesville, Florida? Well, now we all do. And with that little nugget of musical knowledge, I can now assume that someone was actively hoping to zipline with the band on Maui, though caution should clearly be taken since punk rock and ziplining can often cause spontaneous, mid-air mosh pits to form without warning.

hot water music caution

“Actor that owns Hawaiian island”

Who needs Leonardo DiCaprio, Julia Roberts, or Johnny Depp when you’ve got Larry Ellison, folks?! With a 98% ownership of Maui’s neighbor island of Lana’i, Mr. Ellison has also proven to be one hell of an actor, shunning his primary role as billionaire co-founder of Oracle to play the impressive role of ‘himself’ more than 9 times in a mixture of TV documentaries, series and Iron Man 2. #OscarsSoAloha

actor that owns Hawaiian Island

“Attractive pitchers of sunset beaches with many people and children”

In a stunning exhibition of grammar gone well, we rightfully see where this was going. Still, while the MLB does have a fair amount of attractive pitchers (take me out to that ball game, am I right, ladies?), we’re pretty sure it’s asking too much for professional athletes to throw strikes made of sunsets, beaches, and nice families, and we’re honestly not quite sure why you’d want that in the first place. Hey batter batter batter! Sa-wing batter!

pitchers sunset beach

“Animal poison heart attack symptoms Maui”

The number one symptom that your animal has been poisoned and is now suffering a heart attack is death. We’re kidding, but seriously. You’re going to want to get that checked out with quickness. And since this sounds like an oddly specific situation, and we’re not quite sure who’s been poisoned and/or having the chest pains, here’s a list of vets on Maui, and also the hospital. Wishing you happier, healthier, less poisonous search terms tomorrow.

animal heart attack on Maui

“Can I go to a nude beach with a small d&$%”

You’re asking the wrong question here, my friend. While you certainly wouldn’t be the first or last member of society (pun intended) to flash their compact goods in paradise, and certainly no one is going to stop you, it’s really just about how many people you’re willing to let discover your little secret. While the lack of swimwear allows you to travel with just the bare necessities (somebody stop me), don’t forget the SPF.

Maui nude beach

“A past president insect allergy brain dead”

We think someone’s been taking CBS’ new television show, BrainDead, a little too much to heart. Or to brain. While the premise of the show is about brain-binging alien bugs invading members of Congress, and real-life insect allergies can lead to brain damage in the case of anaphylactic shock, pretty much the only thing that any of this has to do with Maui is, well, nothing at all. This might be the same person who started the ‘reptilians running the U.S. government’ conspiracy back in 2013, but there’s just no way to be sure.

Ex-President insect brain damage

“Deadly areas in Maui to avoid infested with sharks”

Whatever you do on Maui, we highly recommend avoiding the hangout of Sharks by the Seashore. This popular gathering of tiger, scalloped hammerhead, Galapagos, sandbar, and reef sharks includes strategic planning sessions about how to effectively scare the most human beings. Gatherings typically commence any day after a storm, with special attention paid to anyone Googling “deadly areas in Maui to avoid infested with sharks.”

Shark infested Maui

Mahalo for reading Maui’s most random search terms, and happy Googling!

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